You Don’t have the Bandwith and Other Business Wise Cracks


Welcome back! You are experiencing the springtime freshness brought on by a little rest. How about you? Ready to move on down the road?

First thing, please allow me to let you in on a big, open secret: don’t multitask. Not only is it scientifically proven to be anti-productive,  you just might miss some of the funniest ever every-day gaffs at work in your life.

Recently I was too busy being all blustered up while getting ready to speak at a Toastmasters meeting when one fellow member presented a hilarious talk  about “Business speak”– the gobbledygook that comes out of business people’s mouths when groping for an explanation. I tried to capture some of the pants-splitters (though Toastmasters do not revel in raucous laughter even when provoked.)

How about–

We’re data-driven (Interpretation: We try not to make decisions by the seat of our pants. When possible we try to base them in facts)

This is creative destruction (Interpretation: I’ve never read Joseph Schumpeter but our core business is getting killed so it’s your responsibility to come up with a new product the market will buy)

This is where the rubber meets the road (Interpretation: Don’t screw up)

Let’s circle back to that (Interpretation: Shut up and let’s go back to what I was talking about)

It’s a (Company Name Here)killer (Interpretation: did I get your attention yet with the Freddy Krueger imagery associated with the company who’s currently eating our lunch?

This time it’s different because..(Interpretation: Don’t wait for the explanation…simply run for the hills!)

I want to address the elephant in the room (Interpretation: Not speaking of a possible Donald Trump presidency, but  I know you think I’m trying to cover up something, so I might as well talk about it)

My own talk that day was a bit of a disaster, but if I had not taken the handout from this talk, I would have totally missed one of the best speeches of the day while I was multitasking. Now you can enjoy it with me. Tell me: is this not industrial myth-making at the level of fine art?